For readers of Leslie Jamison, Beautiful Boy, and The Night of the Gun, this gripping memoir explores addiction, grief, and family trauma as one woman goes in search of her sister’s killer.
In the summer of 2015, Nadia Bowers’s beloved older sister, Sasha—a social worker and Ivy League graduate—was found in her car in a restaurant parking lot in their hometown outside New Haven, Connecticut, dead from a fentanyl overdose. Plunged into grief, equipped with Sasha’s phone, and just weeks from giving birth to her first child, Nadia began to investigate her sister’s shadow life: who sold Sasha the drugs that killed her? Did they know each other well? Did the dealer have any idea who Sasha was, outside of addiction?
Expanding on her viral 2018 This American Life essay of the same name—a letter to this imagined dealer—Bowers’s memoir is a love letter, a diary, and a quest in search of the dealer’s identity, as well as her own. Who is she without her sister? Who is she because of her sister? And what now? Bowers reflects on her shifting roles as sister and mother, examining how loss has reshaped her sense of self. Her letters to the faceless dealer are interwoven with rage, reflection, and even moments of humor as she recounts their intertwined lives alongside memories of charismatic and complex Sasha.
Rooted in unflinching honesty and poetic prose, Dear Dealer is a richly compelling account of one woman’s search for meaning, forgiveness, and hope in the aftermath of tragedy.
a memoirPraise for dear dealer
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“A heartfelt, often heartbreaking exploration of what led to the overdose death of the author’s sister. Honest, angry, and yet lyrical in its consideration of grief, family, and love.” —Kate Tuttle, Boston Globe
“Actress Bowers was weeks from giving birth when her beloved sister, a social worker and Ivy League grad, died of a fentanyl overdose. After embarking on an investigation into her sister’s shadow life, she let loose her rage at the unknown dealer in a viral This American Life essay. Now this memoir expands on her searing story of sisterhood, grief and the opioid crisis.” —Marion Winik, PEOPLE
“Actor and writer Nadia Bowers was weeks from giving birth to her first child when her older sister Sasha—an Ivy League graduate, social worker, and woman of charisma and complexity—was found dead of a fentanyl overdose in a Connecticut restaurant parking lot. Armed with Sasha's phone and a fury she couldn't contain, she began a letter to the unknown man who sold her sister the drugs that killed her, and that letter evolved into a viral This American Life audio essay. In this memoir, she continues her one-sided correspondence with the killer, investigates her sister's life and death, and meets with people she hopes can help her comprehend the tragedy that sucked down her beloved sibling. Braiding rage, nostalgia, grief, and dark humor, it is one of the most affecting accounts of the opioid crisis we've read.” —Oprah Daily
“This sharp, touching, and well-crafted memoir from the actor and writer Nadia Bowers expands on her viral 2018 essay titled “What I’d Say to the Drug Dealer Who Gave My Sister a Fatal Dose of Heroin.” Here, Bowers considers her late sister’s life, her addiction, and the person who sold her that last batch of drugs. That search for her sister’s killer isn’t just an attempt by the author to solve a mystery, it’s also a journey toward figuring out who she herself has become in the wake of her loss. It’s one worth joining her for.” —Town & Country
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“A moving embodiment of the powerful, creative energy of grief.” —Kirkus Reviews ⭐
“Profound… [Bowers'] writing will touch all those left behind.” —Booklist
“This raw yet complex confessional isn’t easy to shake.” —Publisher's Weekly
“In this gorgeous, broken-hearted elegy to a lost sister, Nadia Bowers has written an extraordinary, brave book. She interrogates her sister, her family, their history, and herself in incandescent language that gathers all the shards, the broken pieces left by grief, and turns them into mirrors that reflect our own humanity back to us.” —Dani Shapiro, author of Inheritance
“Powered by the weight of love and the rage of loss, this book is a radiant portrait of living with the complexities of grief. Intimate, honest, and gripping, Bowers has made a generous offering to everyone affected by the heartbreak of addiction.” —Ada Limón, 24th Poet Laureate of the United States
“Bowers gives us a beautiful, devastating and intimate portrait of family, of sisterhood and of tragedy unfolding.” —Amy Bloom, New York Times bestselling author of Blunt Instrument
“Dear Dealer is one of the most honest books I’ve read about what addiction actually costs — not just the person using, but everyone who loved them and couldn’t find a way through. Nadia Bowers writes about her sister Sasha with fury and tenderness. What moved me most, as someone in recovery and as a sponsor, is what the book understands about how we get here: that addiction never arrives alone. It travels with shame, with silence, with the things families refuse to name. Sasha had a family that loved her genuinely and failed her quietly, the way families do when pain gets passed down without ever being looked at directly. Nadia doesn’t say this to blame anyone. She says it because the truth, however painful, is the only thing that might help the next family. Dear Dealer broke my heart and then did something rarer — it helped me understand why.” —Hank Azaria